the trapeze swinger

i am getting way too pensive these days. i think it’s all that time spent thinking about work during the day; my personal thoughts get all dammed up, only to be released late at night or on a quiet saturday like today.

hence:

this is probably my favorite song. i first heard it as it played over the ending credits of the movie in good company. my love for it was instant; i remember rewinding and replaying the last ten minutes just to hear the song again and again.

i still don’t have it figured out – why it gets me every time. i love the sound of the song: it’s his warm voice, and the guitar, and some sort of percussion… but it’s also the sound of something else. something distant and familiar – like (if i may paraphrase what someone wrote to me once) homesickness for a place that doesn’t exist yet.

it’s a song i almost always play on repeat. i will play it on breezy, beautiful days when everything is going right. and on days when everything is in pieces and i need some melody to put it all back together. sometimes i’ll switch it to play on my phone, which i’ll lay on my pillow next to my ear as i fall asleep. other times i’ll have it in the morning, to slowly wake up to, looping in the background while i get ready for a day that doesn’t need to start quite yet.

no matter when i listen to it, it always sounds like everything in my past, overlaid with everything that is yet to come. the convergence of all i’ve ever felt about life: equal parts homesickness and nostalgia, regret and shame, overwhelming lightness and gratitude, quiet rage, longing, the sweetest of aches, and the darkest of them, too.

i tend to overuse these, i realize, but: sigh.

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