unreconciled

it’s been hard.

the days are long, but still the sunshine never lasts long enough. i am thankful for the windows, which i can throw open and watch the light shift from where i stand at the head of the classroom. but that is never the same as bringing a cool drink out to a gentle spot in the evening air, knowing your best work is done, the hard work behind you.

in a sense, this song is for a moment like that.



.

now most days i can’t wrap myself around a song this gentle or sweet. my musical tastes have veered off course as the cynicism has set in like cement.

but if i can get myself to sit still for long enough – sometimes that means in the driver’s seat of my car as it speeds down one very long road home – i can remember what it was like to hear this song for the first time. i had just ended a relationship, and the cd arrived at my doorstep in that precious window of time that sometimes occurs after a breakup – when there is a quiet peace about what you have finished. the wreckage hasn’t come to show itself yet; the new silence is benign – just another part of some bigger, more poetic story.

i am trying to remember that part of me – the one that twisted every reality into a more elegant version. for the past year, it has been difficult. i have put in hours and hours but come out feeling neither proud nor particularly like myself. i have bowed to the pressures and in the process lost the parts of myself most worth keeping. perhaps not lost them completely, but i have certainly set them down and walked away. i’m afraid it will be a long road back.

long roads call for sad songs. and so tonight, this one’s also kind of nice.

.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: