i celebrated my birthday last weekend: 25. hefty, solid. square-rootable.
someone made me a cake:
which still makes me smile.
(those little pearls remind me of the silver dragées that i loved to pick off iced christmas cookies and eat as a kid.) (and that apparently really are illegal in california.)
right now is probably the most my age i’ve ever felt (at least out of all the years i’ve had the presence of mind to reflect on things like that). because, snooty as it sounds, i’ve always felt older than my years. i remember a conversation back in college: “i feel about 34 on the inside,” i said. “really?” he said. “because i feel like i’m still 14.” well, that explained a lot.
it’s the way i grew up, i’m pretty sure of it. it fostered early versions of all sorts of things i’ve come to be grateful for: an independent spirit and a certain maturity and self-awareness, sure – but also the burden of oneself, heavy as lead.
but finally, somewhat recently, that’s started to feel about right. my friends, my generation, we’re coming upon this together now, i think. life is our own, for better or worse. it’s time to take it up. sign on for grad school if you must, but otherwise we need to get going, because the afterburn is gone.
this song pretty much gets it down, i think. (and hey, now there’s a movie tie-in: even better.)
these days life travels in violent spikes. friends, career, love, sanity: pick two. drop the rest. then give things a juggle in a few months. i don’t know anybody my age that has all spots pulsing and thriving, or if they do, i hate them and pretend they don’t exist. (see what i was saying earlier about that maturity?)
it’s quite possible that all this that i’m emo-ing about is simply what they call… life. and this will persist forever and ever, amen. but hey there, little thought: shoo, shoo. this is enough for now.
i think that’s why last weekend was such flat-out fun. i was able to put a bookend on everything (ie, tell all the stuff in my head to shut up for a sec) and just go play.
in addition to the cake, someone else brought a small army of pumpkins to carve, and we spent the night tracing out designs and sawing out pieces til our hands were covered in pumpkin shreds and pulp.
we lined up our finished works on the concrete wall outside my little house, shut down the lights for a little while, and marveled like it was the most fantastic thing.
because it kind of was.